I woke this morning in panic and struggling to breathe. Since Miss A’s diagnoses I’ve struggled with Anexity 😔. I hate that it has such control of me but I feel helpless in knowing how to beat it.
With only a vague memory of the dream that awoken me from my sleep. I try to gather my thoughts as I focus on my breathing. Although I don’t know the specifics I know it was about Miss A’s pending surgeries and it wasn’t a positive dream.
This was my realisation, my “wake up” call. I have a mere 4 days until it’s going to happen and until now I’ve not really allowed myself to much time to process and think about what’s going on. I have been able to keep myself busy in the hope I wouldn’t freak out but apparently that reality was unavoidable 😥
Originally the 25th of June was going to be “D” Day. The date in which I would have had to finally make up my mind as to whether we would be going ahead with the Cochlear Implant but due to other factors our ENT postponed the CI and replaced that surgery with another.
Prior to that day I had played out the situation where I either said no or postponed CI surgery and in my mind there was relief and a weight that was lifted although in the reality of it happening this was not the case – I had a split second of relief followed by a wave of panic (just like the way I felt this morning when I woke.). It appeared that it was inevitable that my baby girl all of 3 years old was going to have surgery. It was no longer the “When” question lingering in my mind but the “Which one first” I had no control. I had choices but I didn’t like them. So no wonder I just tried to push all thoughts of what was happening aside 😢
And that brings me back to why I awoke the way I did this morning. My subconscious knew I needed to get my head around this before Thursday – Obviously there was no way I could actually avoid dealing with this. My head doesn’t work that way and it never will.
Yes I’ve now admitted I am scared. I’m actually terrified and my fear is consuming but I know I have to try and block it out and stay strong and being strong has nothing to do with me. It’s about Miss A. She needs to feel safe because the last thing I want is for her to take on my fear. I have to stay positive and remind myself everything will be okay. My fear is normal – a natural response but I can’t allow it to consume me.
(I’ll keep reminding myself of this until one day it’s my default mode.)
ifhandscouldtalk 